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One of my favorite topics of conversation is death and dying, making me oh-so-fun to be seated next to at a dinner party. I see that you are about to click away. But wait! I am not here to scare you. Quite the opposite, as a mental health expert and psychologist, I would like to share with you the ways I’ve learned that looking at this topic more unflinchingly than usual can unearth beautiful gems about who we are and what we want and need in this life.
News flash (to no one!): A universal truth binding all humans is that we all die. And we spend most of our lives not knowing exactly when and how this will happen. In fact, there is an entire field of psychology that focuses on this (“Existential Psychology”) and argues that the fact of our mortality shapes the human experience, gives life its purpose. However, what I see in psychotherapy is that most of us spend our lives (and our dinner parties) trying to run from thinking or talking about it, chasing youthfulness, denying death, fearing it, avoiding it, testing it, playing video games to conquer it, and finally, grieving it.
Even in the therapy room, the subject of death and dying feels touchy for most clients, like I must approach it with kid gloves, and slowly work my way into its core. It’s like a hot potato, hard to hold and be with as we expect it will burn us. But, when we manage to be with it, I have repeatedly found something unexpected and hopeful: Most people are not actually afraid of death itself.
When we look square in the eyes at their fear of death, many clients discover that what they are actually most afraid of is facing what it means about how they’ve lived or haven’t lived. They tell me:
It is here where grief and longing are unearthed, feelings even more powerful than the fear they started with. This is where the gold is – it is the roadmap for one’s life! A roadmap unique to each individual, one that cannot be prescribed by a therapist or any book that purports to tell you how you can live your best life.
Anecdotally, it has been said that a silver lining of a life-threatening diagnosis is a resulting sense of clarity and purpose for one’s life. Since their remaining time is understood to be limited, people feel finally free to be true to themselves and unapologetically spend their time and energy in a way that aligns with their wants and values.
This exercise described above, of really looking at what troubles you about the thought of dying, can offer the same gift without having to be confronted with a devastating illness. It can remind you that perhaps you are not as afraid of death and dying itself, but that there are some important things you really need to focus on in life, to do, to say, to put your energy toward, and to do so starting NOW.
I notice that when people listen to what really matters to them, take seriously the way their hearts are calling to them and begin to pursue these things, their fear of death drastically diminishes. And paradoxically, they feel more alive than ever. It calls to mind one of my favorite Mary Oliver verses: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Midlife is a time when we women are confronted with the passage of time; our changing bodies remind us of it daily. It can feel upsetting and difficult to deal with at times, but it also can be a prompt to reflect on what matters most, and to bring that into focus. This can free us to set aside petty or superficial concerns and grievances more easily than was possible at younger ages, and paves the way for a richer and more meaningful life.
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What a powerful article and reminder to really focus on the things that matter most