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I am not a phone person, but there are a few exceptions to the rule. One of those times is when I’m filled with what some perimenopausal friends have collectively dubbed a #SweatyRage. Trisha, one of these close friends, is someone I can be ugly-real with and who will give me straight talk when needed.
As I was driving to work one morning, I called her in a #SweatyRage, highly agitated, voice raised in an expletive-filled rant about the morning’s trials and tribulations. I was WORKED UP. Until, in a self-conscious moment of pause, I heard myself sounding a bit unhinged. “What is WRONG with me? Am I f-ing nuts?” I asked her, vulnerability breaking through. As a mental health expert and psychologist, I have to say, I was taken a bit back.
Trisha took a beat and then answered thoughtfully. “No, Jo, you’re not nuts,” she said, “Your feelings make complete sense. Of course you’re upset!” I braced for the “but.” However, Trisha deftly entered enemy territory: “Anddddd… I wonnnnnnder… if you’ve consiiiiiiidered… that the intensity of your reaction could be related to hormones?”
I processed her words and then burst out laughing in a rush of recognition. Holy shit! How relieving it was to hear that my feelings were real and valid, and even made sense to her, but that the volume seemed turned up to an 11 when, at another less hormonal time, it may have been a mere 6. This allowed me to settle down, take a breath, and even feel the seedlings of forgiveness toward the offending party in my household.
As I sat down to write this post, I reached out to Trisha to see if she could jog my memory about what travesty had befallen me that fateful morning a month or so ago, but shockingly, neither of us could recall.
Why share this? Well, first, to dispel any impression that we experts have it all figured out and are immune from struggles with mood and missteps in relationships. But most importantly, because of my work, I have the privilege of knowing that I’m not alone in these experiences, and I want you to know that you are not alone in them either.
I have had friends and close colleagues, and many a menopausal client, experience similarly intense reactions to objectively not-super-significant events. Mood fluctuations are normal even though they can make us feel crazy at times. When we are in an intense moment (or day, week, or month!), recognizing that hormones may be at play can sometimes help us deflate their fervor, and allow us to be more compassionate toward ourselves.
I want to be very clear. I have not found that menopausal hormone fluctuations cause irrational feelings. The feelings are almost always coming from a true place inside. It’s simply that the heat is turned up on them, making them hard to overlook and harder to shake off.
Along these same lines, a wise and lovely client recently talked with me about her sense that perimenopause hormones were affecting her reactions to her partner. She was hesitant to tell him this was the case, for fear she’d be giving him ammunition to dismiss her feelings. I hear her concern! #SweatyRage-type reactions can seem outsized to others, and cause them to miss the important core of what you have to say. Fortunately, we women are more able to effectively navigate conversations with a partner about what is happening with us physiologically and emotionally if we start from a solid sense of knowing (and truly believing!) the following:
Recognizing that your intense emotions are valid but may be amplified by hormonal changes can be a powerful tool for navigating midlife. Let’s support each other through these challenges with laughter and compassion, and let’s remember that we are not alone in this journey.
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